Why do seemingly good relationships go awry?
I have made mistakes and I do not want to repeat them. Compromise is the only way to solve problems. For a given situation, you can ask a million people and receive a million different opinions, however, the only opinion that matters is the other persons. If that person is hurt, that person is hurt. Work to resolve it TOGETHER.
Why? People are different, they react differently and often just don’t understand one another. In relationships, the foundation must be, “I care about you and I try not to do anything on purpose to hurt you. When I do hurt you, I am sorry. Could we talk about it so to not let it happen again?”
1) Given: Both people are attracted to and care for each other very much.
2) Open lines of communication. Be comfortable with being able to tell the other person *anything*. You are each other’s best friend.
3) Acknowledge each other’s concerns. You CANNOT tell what the other person is feeling. Do NOT assume. You ONLY know your side of the conversation. It IS important to know what the other person is feeling.
Take a deep breath and exhale slowly before saying anything.
4) It’s NOT about who is right or wrong. Yes, something bad may have happened, and that will NOT change. The REAL ISSUE is how it was viewed/perceived/affected the other. A simple ’sorry’ may fix things now, but it may not fix the underlying root cause. While listening, look at it from their perspective. Ask yourself, “How have I contributed to the problem?” This is NOT a sign of weakness or a concession of your viewpoint. Dig deep and get to the root cause.
5) It will NOT get fixed in 10 minutes.
6) Listen to each other. Each explaining their view of “what happened/how it affected” does NOT negate or make the other’s story any less credible. It is OKAY to disagree. But the important part is you understand why the other person got hurt.
7) Separate the person from the action. I am not a bad person. You are not a bad person. Act like one.
8 ) Mistakes happen. Feelings/people WILL INADVERTENTLY get hurt regardless of how much you try to control/consider the other persons feelings. If the other person says you hurt them: listen, understand and empathize. Do not take it as an insult or think you are any “less caring” or “weak”. The person is dating you for who you are. Moreover, they are bringing it up to you because they care and are concerned and do not know what to do about it. Resolve it together.
Take a deep breath and exhale slowly before saying anything.
9) When you say sorry, mean it.
10) Finally, follow-through. It is important to forgive, not necessarily forget. And importantly, keep moving forward.
In the past, I have not been the most effective listener. It is wrong to dismiss/discount how the other person feels. There will always be 2 sides to the story and to move on, you NEED both sides. Otherwise, feelings of resentment/regret slowly accumulate. People cannot function harboring resentment. Take a step-back and consider the “bigger picture”, 6-months for now, will it matter? What can I do differently? What can I do better? What is *really* bothering me?
Unfortunately, despite each others best efforts, things may inevitably not work out. Sometimes its hard to follow your own advice. Sometimes other circumstances: people, work and family all play into the timing of things. As long as you know in your heart you gave it your all, you really can’t ask for much more than that.
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